my december

“This is my December..
This is my time of the year..
This is my December..
This is all so clear..”

I alight from the bus and take a deep breath. Here I am again, alone in the big city. A slight tug in my chest reminds me that this would be the last time. “So it’s all ending tonight“, I muse. I look around at the tall buildings that surround me and let that emotion wash over me, the one I cherish, the one I can never explain, the one that dissolves away my past and my future and leaves me in melancholic solitude. Sometimes I wonder why I crave this feeling, despite the loneliness it brings. As always, I have no answer.

“This is my December..
This is my snow covered home..
This is my December..
This is me alone..”

I close my eyes and take in the sounds of the bustling night life around me. Again, the question arises in my mind – why do I like to come here alone? I love being with friends and it’s not like me to need time off for myself. Then what is it that gives me this inexplicable thrill, the moment I set foot in the city? Is it the feeling of adventure, of uncertainty? Or is it the feeling of new-found independence, and the foolish notion that I am a “grownup” now, and can venture into the real world on my own? Maybe it is all of this, and maybe none of it.

“And I…
Just wish that I didn’t feel like there was something I missed..
And I…
Take back all the things I said to make you feel like that..”

Tonight, it felt a bit different. In a few hours, I would be leaving all this behind forever. Most of my friends have already left. I suppose that is compounding the loneliness. I knew that I was in the midst of tectonic shifts in my life. I knew my heart would linger here for a while, after the rest of my body has departed.

“And I..
Just wish that I didn’t feel like there was something I missed..
And I..
Take back all the things I said to you..”

I remember that I don’t have much time to catch the bus. I have to hurry. As much as I didn’t want to leave this place, I definitely didn’t want to get stranded here after all my friends had left. A hurried dinner, alone. I look around. I knew I would miss each and every place in this city. So many memories. A quick auto ride, and I arrive at my final destination for the night – the bus. I leave all my luggage inside and saunter around the bus.

“And I give it all away..
Just to have somewhere to go to..
Give it all away..
To have someone to come home to..”

Finally, it’s time to leave. I feel a sharp tug in my chest as the bus starts pulling out of its station. I can’t believe that I am actually leaving everything behind. That all the happiness I have found in this place are soon to become just memories of the past. In my panic, I am alone. No one is near me to hold me and tell me that it is gonna be ok. That life goes on and we have to move on. That this is something everyone goes through, like a rite of passage. I close my eyes and sink back into the seat. Everything that has a beginning, after all, must have an end.