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Month: September 2005

My december

“This is my December..
This is my time of the year..
This is my December..
This is all so clear..”

I alight from the bus and take a deep breath. Here I am again, alone in the big city. A slight tug in my chest reminds me that this time would be the last time. So it’s all ending tonight, I muse. I look around at the tall buildings that surround me and let that emotion wash over me, the one I cherish, the one I can never explain, the one that dissolves away my past and my future and leaves me lost and alone. Sometimes I wonder why I crave for this feeling, despite the loneliness it brings. Always, I have no answer.

“This is my December..
This is my snow covered home..
This is my December..
This is me alone..”

I close my eyes and take in the sounds of the bustling night life around me. Again the question arises in my mind – why do I like to come here alone? I love being with my friends and it’s not like I want to take time off for myself. Then what is it that gives me this inexplicable thrill, the moment I set foot in the great city? Is it the feeling of adventure, of uncertainity? Or was it the feeling of independence and the foolish notion that I was a big boy now, and can venture into the real world on my own? Maybe it was all of this, and maybe it was none of these.

“And I…
Just wish that I didn’t feel like there was something I missed..
And I…
Take back all the things I said to make you feel like that..”

Tonight, the feelings were a little different. In a few hours, I would be leaving all this behind forever. Most of my friends have already left. Maybe that compounded the loneliness. I knew for sure that my life was changing. Gone were the days of carefree frolicking. I knew my heart would linger here for a while, after the rest of my body has departed. I reflect on my days here and realize that the only regret I have was of having to leave this place.

“And I..
Just wish that I didn’t feel like there was something I missed..
And I..
Take back all the things I said to you..”

I knew I had to hurry. As much as I didn’t want to leave this place, I definitely didn’t want to get stranded here after all my friends had left. A hurried dinner, alone. I look around. I knew I would miss each and every place in this city that I have been to. So many memories. So many memories. A quick auto ride and I arrive at my final destination for the night – the bus. I leave all my luggage inside and just saunter around the bus.

“And I give it all away..
Just to have somewhere to go to..
Give it all away..
To have someone to come home to..”

Something stabs me in the chest when the bus starts pulling out of its station. I can’t believe that everything was ending and that I was actually leaving everything behind. That all the happiness I had found in this place would soon become just memories of the past. And in my panic, I was alone. No one was there to hold me and tell me that it is gonna be ok. That life goes on and we have to move on. I close my eyes and sink back into the seat. Everything that has a beginning, after all, must have an end.